Mary Seaward relation of faith, undated

These are to Signify my longing Desiers of Enjoying the ordinances of god in Covenant & for the further Satisf= action of this Church I would make the following relation that is the first Conviction that Ever I had as I remember was when I was about Seven years old then I was Verry much terrified with the thoughts of the Day of Judgment & it it Put me upon Secret Prayer but it Verry Quicly whore of & then I rema= ined Senceless until a word spoken by Mr Hawly which was this Chuse ye this Day whom ye will Serve & I thought upon much upon that [word] what I had Ba^est to do but it whore of by little & little & did not make any other Choise but to Serve my Lusts but then by turns it would Come unto my mind I was Verry much to blame not to Chuse holiness & if I would not Except of mercy when offered I might never again have the offer & I thought I would apply my Self to god by Prayer that he would make me willing to Except mercy & Choose holiness & in this Case I Continued Some time in hopes that I might be made willing but Still there was an uneiseness in my m[ind] against it but then I was Powerfully Seased with [page folded] temptation to through all up as to any thing of re[page folded] [ ] & I was sorely Perplext with this temptation for Some time it would be with me allmost allways Sleeping & waking untill this Place of Scripture Came into my mind Seek & you Shall find which Put me to a [Stand?] for some time but yet it was Some Encorigement & Put me afresh upon Secret Prayer but Soon wore of in Part but afterwards as I rem= ember when I was Closely thinking on things these words Came unto my mind resist the Divil & he will flee from you & this was the first time as I remember that I was made Sinsible of my in any measure of my own weakness through the flesh [torn] [ ] [ ] I was so Crafty & so [torn] I would be alltogather fruitless to try to resist him here I was brought to this Conclusion to attempt to Pray to god that for Christ Sake he would give me Stre= ngth to do it & I would Speak of this to the Glory of his grace & the Encorigement of others I have not been under that temptation So Strong to thro= ugh up the matter Since & Endeaver after my weak manner to Continue my prayers that god would Strengthen me against all temptations to Sin & here my Desires for mercy & forgiveness for Sin was much [Exercised?] & Seemed as though I Could not be Denighed & yet Saw [my] Self So Sinful that I Could S not See how I Could have it [page folded] Stant with gods Justice & now I was in great Distress [all ni= [ght] the reason why I did not Exceps of mercy was because [page folded] my Convictions was not Strong enough