The first thing, which took hold of my mind was,
Mr Smith called to see us after our trouble of loosing our
child, ^better than two tears ago. & asked me concerning the state of my mind. He
told me in the course of the conversation, that trouble
never leaves a person as it finds him: -- that it would
either make him more soft, -- or more hard. This struck
me. I thought if it made me more hard, I should be hard
indeed. I then resolved in my mind, that I would do
better, than I had done. I set myself to read my bible
more than ever I had done. After a while I grew more
careless, 'till this thought came with force upon my
mind, "No man having set his hand to the plough, &
looking back is fit for the kingdom of heaven."
These words followed me a long time. I found myself worse
than ever I was before. I knew not what to do.
Christ invitation to come unto him, with a promise that
those who came, should in no wise be cast out, came
to my mind. I thought I tried to come; & thought I was
doing pretty well: till, at a certain time, I attended
a conference, where was read the fifth chap. of Luke.
the parable of putting a piece of new garment upon
an old &c ---- there I got cut off! I see that I had
been patching up an old wicked heart. I see that I
was now worse than ever --- & was vile indeed. Sleep de-
parted from mine eyes: and my distress in the view of
my wicked heart was great. Not long after, one
evening, as I was alone, the thought came with some
force into my mind, "Except a man be born again, he
cannot see the Kingdom of God." I thought I could,
by no means, say that I was a subject of this change.
I thought I was now too late for me. My day was over.
I saw I had slighted offered mercy --- and there was no
more mercy for me. No tongue can tell my distress.
This thought came to my mind, if I stand still,
or remain where I am, I must die eternally. If I
go back, I must die. If I come & endeavour to follow
Christ, I may live. This I thought I desired to do;
& wanted nothing else. I saw now, more than ever,
how vile I had been: & that God would be just to
cast me off forever. I thought I was now brought
to see Gods great goodness, & to have new views of him.
